How to say ‘no’ to someone you care about

Saying ‘no’ is never easy, and even more so if we need to say it to someone we care about…

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Helene Vermaak, director at The Human Edge, says that despite considering all your options and being prepared, there will always be a downside to saying ‘no’.

Typical gatherings to which we find ourselves wanting to say ‘no’ include that family dinner you just can’t face, dinner with a friend and her irritating husband, or breakfast with a judgemental group of school moms. “It’s never easy to say ‘no’, but learning how to, is key for surviving everyday life. You’re just not able to be everywhere or do everything for everyone,” says Vermaak.

There are two options for saying ‘no’ and both come with a downside. Either option has a mix of positive, negative, short- and long-term consequences. “Ultimately you need to choose the option that you are comfortable with,” says Vermaak.

Option 1: The outright ‘NO’

This option is the most direct, straightforward, and potentially damaging of options. By saying ‘no’ this time you may be indirectly declining any future invitations.

The benefit of this response is counterbalanced by the high potential of severing all ties. It’s also hard to utter, when it comes down to it, because who wants to say ‘no’ when that means disappointing someone you care about?

To avoid creating an all-or-nothing approach, it is important to take the time to establish and reinforce safety with the person you are letting down.
Make sure that she or he understands that you are not trying to sever all ties, AND that you are just not interested in this particular outing.
Establishing your commitment to seek a mutual purpose is key, and the barrier to this will be ultimately the other party trying to convince you that you don’t want to say no.
Propose things you would rather do so that you are able to foster the relationship and that she understands that you do want to do this going forward.

Option 2: Only this ONCE!

While this option satisfies the other party, it does mean that you will have to manage your emotions during the outing. This option is also tough because, let’s be honest, this won’t be the only time, as often the precedent is considered to be set when you say ‘yes’.

This approach may work for you, as you think it is only this once.
The friendship may be really valuable to you and saying ‘yes’ this time may be necessary to maintain the friendship.

“Before deciding on which option you choose, evaluate the benefits of each so that you don’t opt for the option that has short-term appeal and goes against what you really want in the long term,” says Vermaak.

By asking yourself, ‘What do I really want?’ you will be able to clarify up front the type of strategy you are looking for, hopefully making your selection process easier. Vermaak concludes that it is important to do this for yourself, your friend and for the relationship.

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